Were all gonna die one day, that is either the beginning of your liberation or the beginning of your demise. I knew someone who knew she had a weak brain. She knew it was only a matter of time until one of her vessels snapped and her life would be over instantly. Remarkably, she did not live in fear or obsess over death or have people feel sorry for her. She loved people, worked hard, willingly did chores, embraced fashion, traveled and lived her life. This woman was my grandmother. Along side her, was my grandfather who passed away this summer. He knew he had a short time to live when the doctors told him he had cancer. He did not cry or beg for more time. He did not cower or fall into self pity. He died like a man, telling me he loved me without an ounce of fear. I felt no trace of despair in him. Not everyone is like this. Some people weigh their mortality and drown themselves in shopping, eating, drugs, drama, etc to avoid their life, their true life. I know people who live in fear and constant anxiety about the issue. As a child I was introduced to death at a young age and I would have relentless panic attacks out of nowhere. As I have gotten older and put the pieces together I realized I wasn’t afraid of dying. I was afraid of dying as I was, doing what I was doing. There’s a reason why the saying goes “do it or die trying.” Because as human beings we are our actions, and death is what solidifies those actions in who we are for eternity. Thank God we live under grace and get to fail and try again but I never want to use that as an excuse to stop trying. Life is so many things, you can’t define it by one. Its your work you put out into the world, your friendships, your adversities you overcome, actually I think life is the difference you make in others life’s. I’ve come to the conclusion lately that I’m probably not 100% a good person but I have the freedom to do good things, and I will. I always will. So if you want to start living, confront death so you can move on with the whole thing. We are insignificant and beautiful and wonderful and fleeting and there is nothing to cry over. Feel as much as you can, love as much as you can, laugh, cry, do what you love and be kind because it matters that you live. Jesus wants you to live. God himself would not have come down to earth to die if it was not worth it for you to live. There is something deeply amazing about living and we don’t know what it is and I don’t think we get to have that answer for as long as were human. It’s a secret and I think we should just trust it and be happy.
All of our dreams came true. Every single one. Not a detail was left behind or forgotten and that is when I learned the value of dreaming. I held onto the hope of what I wanted and it greeted me gracefully at the door. I dreamt well, for substance not stuff and my soul was rejoiced with what I had dreamed. It was a personal feat.
The breathes I breathe are jagged and I try to form a deep breath. Pine needles that fall slowly stick to my sweaty skin as I make my way up the forrest. Through the trees, I can see an orange glow and I walk slowly to see the sunset. I wrestled with my impatience of not being at the top yet when the wind caught my attention and made a swirling display of the desert below. I had become so hungry to reach the top, I forgot where I came from and almost missed the beauty of where I was. Time stood still, I settled onto a rock dusted with pine needles and shared a loving glance with the sun as she told me to rest. Tomorrow I may reach the top, maybe I won’t, but I love this mountain and every step of the way.
Gold melts slowly as it trundles down from the ladle. I watch it gleam in the dusk lighting in this hidden shack. The electricity doesn’t reach here but in these darker hours, the genuine nature of the burning gold was more appealing. I never knew I had so much gold and as I turned it to liquid, I poured it into my own heart instead of giving it away to others so freely. Without a burn, my heart took in the glowing honey like a cup, as it beats throughout my chest and into my veins. Sunlight filled me with every beat until there were no more cracks.
Golden light became me.
Dark mist falls in the forrest. Ripped lace falls off my shoulders and my legs break free from the tares in my gown. I walked out of electricity into the night and I thought to myself if the word is a dark place then it could never steal my shine. So I went within and illuminated the whole universe.
Rebellion is an interesting concept to me because we all do it every day. Light rebels against dark, and dark against light. Love and hate is the battle of all battles, and we are entering a new one right before our eyes. I have watched as people blindly trust in what they sense safety is lead them straight into the wallowing depths of hatred only to be destroyed by themselves. I have seen those filled with love rage at the abomination of the hatred they recognize and know is wrong. I think sometimes in life you have to be a rebel. If not for the greater good, but for your own soul. Not everyone is going to stop and take a second to think what does God think of my actions? And you need to. Someone told me recently something that peaked my interest. They said, the devil himself could misuse scripture to fit his agenda. Which also makes me think there are people who think they are Godly being racist, when in reality they are simply being demonic and covering themselves with a white cloak. Love is usually quiet and hatred louder but even loving people can be provoked to rage through unjust treatment. I have been other peoples target before and I know how confusing and hurtful it is. Thankfully I could get away from that group of people and do something else. I wasn’t targeted by a nation. I could only imagine the helpless feeling of being seen as “bad” just for the color of your skin. Rebellion matters. Don’t be confused by the tone of the word, sometimes rebellion is a mask for conviction. Rebellion has always had it’s place in history moving us forward and evolving out of a lesser being. I look forward to my own unique form.
I loved the stars. And even more the moon. As a child I watched the moon in my car window and chased it. I also looked at it as it hung above the water and the beach as the sky was a melted mix of colors. It was curious when it appeared in the day time and brilliant in the night. The only thing I remember feeling was like a plane soaring miles above the earth and when I looked up and saw airplanes, I felt redeemed. Like I would be there one day. I dreamed of singing for millions. I dreamed of being a moon among stars. And maybe it was time to stop dreaming and start doing.
Makes the best show doesn’t it? To pretend every things okay? I watched the rain steam up coffee shop windows and listened to people talking as I wrote. Life buzzed around me and weakness was shown more than once by the people around me. I realized that people can handle other peoples weakness. That perhaps humanity is guided by us bearing one anthers burdens. Maybe I am just talking, maybe I am just regurgitating everything I have heard, but it’s true. The world can handle your pain, as much as the next persons. Other people love where there is a concave, like the ocean filling itself with water. We fill each others wounds until we all have pieces of each other within. Until we become a kaleidoscope of each others love, and didn’t I tell you years ago- that that was enough?
The sun is gone now, but I am still here. Eagerly hoping for myself to burry my worry and stress, and to take up faith. Unlike the sun, faith does not shine. It cannot warm you, or do anything for you – but you can feel it – it changes the way you move in sunlight or in darkness. It is faith that moves you – not light.
I was watching the sun moon rise, I got caught up dancing with fireflies. The world spun madly around me but I stayed calm, like streaking a million shades of blue up against the dawn. And in the shadows of my life everything disappeared. Darkness turned to ashes and my kindness reappeared. I was trancing in a new daylight with no thought of the evil around me. The world is ending but I’m brought to life. Worlds only end so new ones rise. With my new found glory I’ll be the queen of light.