The Other Side of the River

The other side of the river, a.k.a, the other side of your fears. Fears can be so strong. They can seep into your bones and make you dizzy, nauseous and unreasonably angry. The only way to destroy them, is to face them. Avoiding your fears will only make them grow larger, and it will stress you out even more. You will be so much happier if you get into the habit of facing your fears and your life’s work on a regular basis. I can tell you for a fact rest is important, but there is no rest without work. I don’t like to say work though- I like to say actions or responsibilities.

Rivers can be dangerous. They can be deep and freezing. They can also be shallow and warm. There are hundred of different ways a river could be, all that matters is you cross it. No ands, ifs or buts. Think of it this way, to get over a river there are many, many happy helpful ways to do so. You won’t always be swimming for your life in the pouring rain in the middle of winter. Sometimes, it can be summer and a nice walk over a bridge or a lovely little boat, there are ways to travel across a river and most of the time, it isn’t painful or dread-filled. Fear is the biggest liar alive and avoidance is a horrible mold that grows in your mind while you wait for “the right time”. Just do it. Your body will thank you for it, I promise.

A Bright and Close Moon

I love what the moon is doing tonight. Brightly, it shines giving the entire sky a deep cobalt blue color. Stars shine brightly between the skeleton branches of the trees and I am distracted from my cold/allergies through my apartment window. I love these views. I have been around them my whole life. But now I am ready for a change. Part of why I love the outdoors so much is because I feel communicative with a force greater then myself. However I think I have over-absorbed this method of connecting to who I call God and am ready for a higher version of being divinely inspired- which is involving myself in other people’s lives. I have been a little but of a hermit these past couple years. I worked- a lot yet still had trouble wrapping my head around money management (if this is you, do not be embarrassed! You can’t be good at everything and there are professionals ready to help make your life 10000x easier.) and I swam in the sea- a lot. Like if  someone could be in the ocean more than reasonably, that’s me 100%. I was always afraid I wasn’t being grateful enough for this beautiful little seaside town. Now I understand I am more than grateful- but there was something missing. This past summer was cathartic to say the least. I worked through a lot of stuff I had been holding inside, left a church I had gone to my whole life and started branching out. This past summer was the first time I felt like a person because I was going after what I believed in and that hopefully will benefit millions of people one day.  Especially women. But men too. I look back and think how much I was struggling but it was also beautiful at the same time. It also kinda makes me sad no one will ever see that moment in my life up close. But isolation has to end sooner or later. I knew I needed time to myself because I grew up around tons of people all the time and they always had something to say about something. I never thought for myself, I let other people do it for me. My gut was pulling me away from somethings and people and I had to listen. I realized I was branded from a young age. Here’s the thing about being beautiful, which I am, that’s not cocky to say, it’s the truth- people expect things from you. They place you into a box and thats it. If you are beautiful people might instantly like you- even jealous people because you’re attractive to their eyes. However, if you do not partake in the way they think you should be, people get rubbed the wrong way. For instance, I was never “the mean girl”, “popular” or “boy crazy”. I was, and still am the weird girl and there is so much freedom in that, except if your pretty because people think if you’re pretty you’re suppose to be normal, on top of the world, mean and have lots of relationships. Once they figure out you’re your own breed, things get awkward. Oh and the jealousy of being beautiful and being “pure” in the sense that you are true to yourself and values is f*cking torture. So many people spread rumors my entire life trying to knock me down. I kind of got the hint I needed to fly solo if I wanted peace but as I get older, and I have more choices in who I spend my time with, I realize not everyone is shallow and jealous, thank God. I honestly feel bad for people who hate me because 10 times out of 10, I have thought about how great they are. Anyways, I realized I am more inspired by people than outdoors, although I do love outdoors so much. Which makes sense because God lives in us more brightly than he does the earth. I have respect for all cultures, religions, and faiths and I just hope my life can reflect that, and as my isolation officially ends, I hope I meet thousands of people on my journey. This was a very random blog post, but I hope you enjoyed it.

In The Woods

The thing about being in the woods is you can imagine anything you want to. I went for a hike once in a small town forest alone in January and it was eerie. The trees were all bare, I heard millions of noises that supported my fears of criminals lurking in all the places I couldn’t see and I got lost in the end. However, no harm came to me and the people that decided to take a hike that day, showed me the way out. Life can be like a walk in the woods sometimes, where we think there are millions of things just waiting to hurt us. The truth is, these are the moments your imagination runs the most wild and it is the worst possible time for it to run wild. Nine times out of ten nothing will hurt you and on the off chance something tries, you’d win.

A Waiting Game

“I hate waiting.” Maria grumbled sitting by her window, watching the rain.

“Well what did you expect? You could do everything in twenty-four hours?” Asked her friend, Ari.

“Yes.” Maria said with an attitude. She crossed her arms and pulled her legs up to her chest. “I’ve lost everything already, I just want to leave. This is torture.”

“All in good time, my love. Everything happens for a reason.”

“Ugggghhh, but I’m done waiting, ya know? I just want to go, run off into the sunset and be happy.”

“You can’t run to happy, you have to be happy, and then you can run.”

Maria shot her a death glare. It was a pointed and mean look, like that of a pouting child. Maria grabbed a pillow and threw it at her friend. “I hate it when you talk like that!”

Ari started laughing. “It’s because you know I’m right.”

“Still.” She hissed. “So the fuck am I supposed to do now? I hate waiting.”

“You have so much ambition. Its like stardust under extreme pressure. Sooner or later you’ll bloom an entire universe. You have greatness in you, enjoy being a bum for a couple weeks.”

“Ek, ekkk, plluk no! No bums! I don’t want to be a bum! I want to walk and move and talk to people and make things! Not be stuck in this stupid one horse town!” Maria rolled her eyes and dramatically fell to the window.

“My goodness.”

“Don’t you want to get out of here?”

“This is my place Maria, so no, but I also know this place is not for you. You just have to be patient.”

“So if I’m not meant to be here than why am I here? Doesn’t that defy the rules of nature or something?”

“Maybe it’s so you’ll appreciate it more, or you need to be there at the right time. You’ll know in the future.”

“Ukkk.” Maria said sounding her disapproval.

“Listen, all I know is after everything that happened, you’re still breathing. There must be a really good reason so stop being so sour, you’ll spoil your blessing before you get them.”

“Fine.” Maria said standing up, walking with her nose in the air to the kitchen.  “But I’m eating your left over cheesecake from the restaurant.”

“The hell you are!” Ari said and chased her mischievous friend into the kitchen.

Growing Pains

Have you ever felt a pain that feels so clear, it sets you free? The give and take of life surprises us all and brings us to our knees sometimes. Loss is a part of life. It is half of life. If you do not know how to loose something, you do not know how to live. We are living bystanders of everything. We watching life unfold, ebb and flow in front of us. If you try to reach out and grab it, it will slip through your fingertips because nothing here is for us to keep. Nothing is ever truly ours. That is why gratefulness is so important. Pain should not be avoided, pain is joy turned inside out. The only thing you will ever posses, or own is the love you have inside your heart, first for yourselves, then others. We have God, who lives in us, which, by the way, is more than enough if you can train yourself to focus inwards. Being distracted can be fatal because you’ll miss out on what truly matters. Life is not an accident or a joke, it is the ultimate experience you can have. Do not be afraid of getting hurt, it’s how you know it’s real, and, you can always heal from anything. Just today I walked too quickly down the stairs and scraped my knee. Blood stained my jeans and it hurt for just a second. But blood lets you know your living, it shows you the life running through your veins. One of my favorite song lyrics is “Yeah you bleed just to know your alive”, and it was a very city of angels moment for me. This is life. You will get hurt. You will get up. You will carry on. You will be happy. There is no reason to be discouraged. I hope the best for all of you, and that you can see pain and loss as a bridge and not a dead end. Maybe even a highway.

Eating Disorders

I wanted to talk about eating disorders because this is something most people suffer in silence about. I have never had an eating disorder, but that doesn’t mean I’m not immune to getting one. My life has been all over the place lately and my eating schedule has been totally out of wack. Not to mention sitting ten hours a day writing and finsihing a project isn’t the healthiest. Don’t worry though, I’m learning balance and went to the gym this morning. Anyways, I gained weight and I am currently the heaviest I have ever been. You wouldn’t know it by looking at me, I still look good and carry it well, but not everyone welcomes body changes gracefully. Winter, for me, is the worst. I hate being inside and sitting around. I can’t stand it. But I know when warm weather comes, I’ll be out and about and my body returned to normal. Other people might see weight gain as unacceptable and gross. Others, its a poison that would take away their spouse, career, reputation or friends. I like modeling and it was noticeable in my pictures I was gaining weight. Had I not thought the thoughts I chose, I very well could have let social media influence me that only thin is beautiful, punished myself and starved or barfed. Instead, I knew I’m beautiful no matter what size I am, and that thick is in. I also like having more body becuase I feel more here. I grew up very thin and now I feel like a functioning human. Eating disorders are pitfalls anyone could fall into. If you have an eating disorder, tell someone and know that youre not alone and you are beautiful no matter what. Food is good, movement is good, and life is good. Live and live well. Theres nothing to apologize about.

Mountains and Vines

Hazily I stare off into the distance, arising from a dream I had while laying in a field. Grass stuck to my palms and left indents in my skin. A temporary proof that I had been here.  Ridges of the forrest green mountain range look like vines between the fog. They look like green thick vines, and where there are fires, I imagine flowers blooming. Perhaps vines with flowers and mountains with fires are the same thing. Both are places where life emerges, by adversity, by pushing, by blooming wild and free. These mountain ranges and these vines intertwine through my body as veins, weaving an undeniable force of nature that pushes forward