3am 2-21-19

I woke to dusky orange skies and raindrops falling outside my large antique windows. My apartment is quiet, my cats taking a rest from their usual mission of destruction and races. I woke from a dream about Bali, Indonesia. I had never been there but I saw everything so vividly. My favorite moment was walking out of the airport to feel the thick hot humid air on my skin. I sat on the platform awaiting a train as I sat next to my friends and my anxieties gave an edge. In my dream I decided the present moment had so much power, I didn’t need to worry about anything, I could always do something. Waking at 3am isn’t as miserable as I thought. I love the sound of the rain and the distant sound of a few cars passing. Of course, I am going to completely forget this when my hour is up and I dive back into sleep.

This got me thinking about why I have decided to share early morning thoughts. Why does it matter? Does anyone want to read what someone is thinking at an early hour? Well, I think thoughts are important. You can always tell from a person who chronically thinks good thoughts or bad thoughts. They shape everything we do. They even decide how we look. Your eyes, skin, hair and weight are all a result of how you think about life. This is because your chosen thoughts evokes emotion which, to some degree, chooses your bodies chemistry. Take for instance, a very very anxious person. Most of the time their hair is weak and scraggly, their eyes are racing, their skin looses its elasticity. This is an extreme case but think about how its compared to a healthy person. Underneath their eyes are full with no circles, they have a relaxed expression on their face and their bodies chemistry benefits from them being so calm and happy. As someone who battles anxiety it can be really hard to make it stop, believe me I know. I think anxiety is a fear of not knowing. So my soultion is to get into your values. Not morals, although those are important but values. I’ll give an example.

Years ago I had a high school sweetheart that I dated for a couple of years out of high school. When we moved in together my anxiety got so bad I didn’t know what to do with myself, I felt paralyzed. He spoke of marriage and all I felt was red hot whips of panic. After we broke up, it was hard but I slowly realized I was adventurous, and a feminist. I loved supporting other women and I wanted to do incredible things. I did not value the idea of leaving high school to become a wife and mother instantly. However, I did value traveling the world, reading books and pursuing unreachable goals that I would struggle to get to but once I did it would feel even better than sex. I valued this way of life because I like learning and challenges. Being at home doing chores all day when my life had just began, would have been like a death sentence. I don’t know if I would be here today if I chose that, because that lifestyle would have been in oppositen to what I believe is important. Chores have gotten easier for me. I live in my own apartment now and I’m slowly but surely finding strategies for homemaking. One day I’ll be an amazing wife and mother, its just not my time yet.

Once you find your values, you will discover options. When you have options, you can take actions that you chose. This will give you a foundation of confindence in yourself. Your self esteem will sky rocket and you will be happier than ever before. Why? Because no one can chose for you. And chosing the life you want amidst a screaming ocean of poeple tempting you to be the same, is an incredible feat. Of course I get scared just like everyone else, especially when my rent is late (sorry Ralph) but I’ve learned to trust life and understand everything happens for a reason and that reason is your benefit and your growth.

Wow, my hour is almost up. This didn’t take me a full hour to write, by the way. I’m here sitting in the dark taking in all of my sense and drifting away from the laptop. Anyways, I’m in love with the rain. Now I will return to snuggling in my bed, watching dark orange skies outside my window, and drift back into sleep and hopefully back into Bali. Bon Voyage.

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