Temporarily Vile

My thoughts raced. Everything seemed so dark and covered in sinking sand. I try to have a clear thought and the little judges in my mind demand explanations, proof of innocence and a trial for everything I think or do. They all look like me. They all have my voice. This state of being is like being covered in slime. It is like sitting in a filthy trailer thats surrounded by scrap metal and all you want to do is wear Dior and walk fifth avenue. I remember I have a choice. I slow everything down. I turn from the narrow light creaking through the door to a wider field bathing in the sun. I walk away from the cold and into the warmth of this morning. The judges like vampires cannot exist in the light and they turn to salt and wash away their own traces. In their place pop up saints all dressed in leather and smoking a cigarette. Their red lipstick and the studs on their leather looked like it was made by angels. They introduce themselves as the radiant springs of truth from my soul. They were aware, kind and quick to help me build my life towards a new horizon. I stood up from my couch and looked at the neighborhood out side and I stopped pretending for the first time that I wanted to be here. This place wasn’t a matter of being enough but what I wanted. My struggling arms put down the weight of carrying the lies that this wasn’t that bad and I could live here. That I could settle here. That I could settle. That day I began packing. With no knowledge of where to go, I knew I would be better off anywhere but here. Walking away from the life I had only convinced myself I wanted, I also walked away from the potential of becoming someone I could never lovingly be. The light, kindness and awareness I now possessed gave me a comfort and confidence to handle the future in any way. If trouble comes I always have my free will and choices to fall back on. I can always do something. Never do I feel helpless or hopeless. I’ll never be the same after this, everything will change. As I carried with me only one small bag I gave it a half smile and set it down on the kitchen floor to stay here. It doesn’t matter how small, I will take no baggage with me when I leave here. I grab my handle on the door and turn to look behind at the place I’ve lived all my life that was never really a home. I smiled, gave it a wink, shutting the door and letting go.

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