I woke up that morning in Chanel. The silk sheets glided off my body like water. I rubbed my eyes and then plopped my hand down on the bed. Something felt different this morning. I looked to my left and there he was sleeping so peacefully. He really is the most beautiful man I have ever seen. His genius captivates me, it holds me at the edge of my seat while he talks to me. My fascination was so strong and so bold but this morning he only looks like a man. A beautiful man but empty to me with nothing left to give. Or perhaps he had everything to give, I just don’t want what he offers anymore.
All of the sudden I felt his hand on my shoulder. I jump at his touch. He can be so slick, you never hear him coming, you never know what he notices.
“I hate when you do that.” I say kissing his cheek.
“What are you thinking about?” He asks hoarsely in my ear. His voice is like fresh cracking leaves under your foot in fall, rustling and lingering.
“You.” I say because it isn’t a lie.
He looks at me like he’s trying to read me but this morning I’m not opening my pages.
“Let me tell you what,” he says so gruffly yet so intoxicating, “I’m going to make some breakfast, with tea just the way you like it, then I am going to do some very dark things to you.” He says kissing my ear.
I sit there unfazed as he makes his way into the kitchen. I used to love the dark things but something in me doesn’t like them now.
I sat there and thought for the first time, I don’t want to be here. I thought a second time and realized I do not want this. My eyes lifted to the doorway that leads to the kitchen. I don’t want him. He would figure me out in an instant so I couldn’t pretend for long, I would have to face him as soon as possible.
I stumble out of bed and put one foot nervously in front of the other. This is no time to be timid, I assure myself now go break up with the Devil.
“Baby we need to talk.” I say and he turns around smiling shirtless, flipping a pancake. My knees buckle and I brace myself against the counter and my raging hormones. If this man knew one thing it was being living pleasure.
He cups his hands around my face. “My love what is it?” He asks. I grab his hands and take them off my face slowly as I watch the confusion begin to color in. The kitchen floor reminds me I am human as it chills into my bones. He was always hot in his own skin so he kept his home cold, if I didn’t stay close to him I would freeze.
“I want to leave.” I blurted out.
“Oh” he rolls his eyes grabbing my tea and handing it to me. “Just that.” He says like it was the weather. “I was wondering when we were going to talk about this.”
“I didn’t know until this morning, what are you talking about?” How did he see this coming when I didn’t feel like this until this morning?
“I brought you here to live at a young age. I can’t touch your soul…” He’s pouring himself a coffee from the pot as he tells me about a choice I never knew I had. “…Only your mind and when you came of age you would decide what to do with all of you. Right now I only have your mind, but theres so much more.” He’s stepping closer to me with that look in his eye. It is a sinister, sincere and scandalous gleam I once adored. He continues with his voice low pulling me closer to him. “Mind, body, heart and soul, I want all of you.” I hear the words loud and clear. I wish I had a more elaborate answer than “No”.
I take a step back, “No,” is all I can say.
“I adore you-” He begins to reassure me.
“You adore what you created…” I trail off thinking. Floodgates are dropping inside of me and I rush in.
“Anything and everything you want I can give you just stay with me.” He pulls me close and begins to kiss me slow. My Chanel shirt colliding with his perfect skin sends my body into a tizzy. We stand in the middle of the kitchen forehead to forehead. I feel him becoming a part of me. I am at a crossroads, time to make a decision.
“I’ll stay with you,” I begin, “If I can create myself from now on, you have to take your hands out of my mind and let me be free.”
“I can’t do that.” He says.
“I know.” I say my eyes whipping towards him. “Thats why I said it.”
“Look whose so bold now.” He says cocky and I’m bracing myself for a war I wasn’t ready for.
“My final answer is No.” I say flatly.
“No?” He asks whipping his words through the air like a viper. “What do you mean no?”
“I mean I don’t want this anymore,” I say my eyes meeting his. “I don’t want you.”
I feel both our spirits colliding in this room. Mine once so submissive and so weak would buckle under the weight of his, but now it’s not. Now its stronger and I can feel it pushing up against his. My new strength gives him a cocky grin.
“And who will want you? Everything you learned, you learned from me, you got your voice, your beauty in hell, no one will want you.” He’s pushing stronger and my spirit rages.
“I do.” His power over me is slipping through my fingertips like sand weightless and worthless.
“And who are you?” He asks half laughing.
In an instant I see a light in my mind. Its bright and tearing through the ceiling of my brain before it goes away. I know who I am. In a blink of an eye, I know who I am.
“I’m not you or anything like you.” I begin. “I am my own choices and decisions, I’m not you or this spell or what you taught me…” Now I know what I want. “Right now I’m choosing to walk away.” I say and I couldn’t feel his objections if I tried to. I am full. The decision has been made.
“Where will you go?” He asks and he sounds a little broken.
“Anywhere but here.” I say.
“What if I don’t let you?” He asks and now I have cocky grin.
“Well, that isn’t your choice, babe.”
“But, your safe here.”
“Safety feels a lot like hell.” I am gentle in that moment as I kiss him on the cheek. It is a kiss filled with my farewells and forgiveness. I knew I wasn’t just leaving him, I was transforming with every step towards the door. I was breaking the curse in my mind that put me on auto pilot with the same broken message: I belong here. Now the light comes breaking through as the walls come crashing down. I am leaving and I am never coming back. I didn’t even turn around.