Inside, Out

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” – Viktor E Frankl

For the longest time, I have tried to figure out why I enjoyed my childhood so much. Like most people nowadays, I had a rocky start. As a child I had night terrors starting at two years old, I woke up screaming, I was so stressed out my hair fell out. This *I think* was because of the condition my family was in from the very beginning. It didn’t get easier either. It was one struggle after the next. On the outside, there was no peace. So why was I so f*cking happy? For a long time now, I have tried to discover what about my childhood was so amazing, I haven’t been able to forget that happiness. And I realized it this morning. It had nothing to do with what was going on, on the outside, but what was on the inside that was so perfect, bright and beaming. I was perfectly aligned as a child, I knew what I believe in and what I liked and I never departed from that until junior year when I wanted to make friends and have a boyfriend. I became unaligned and that is where the misery set in. Misery wants answers. Happiness is good either way. So I chased this rabbit hole until I found my answer. As long as you know who you are, know what you believe in and what you want to do with your life, no one and nothing can make you miserable. Don’t take it from me though. Viktor Frankl was an Austrian neurologist and psychotherapist who survived not one – but four concentration camps. FOUR. His conclusion that he came to was that, basically, and I am seriously summarizing here, it is what’s on the inside that counts. I could never make light of a holocaust and how horrific and deranged that experience was for humanity but I can tell you that if someone who went through one of the most terrifying experiences on earth said it’s whats on the inside what makes you happy, healthy and okay- then maybe he’s right. So now here I am, at 23 at the end of this catalyst. As I look over my shoulder at my past and all of the experiences and facts, all I can say is, it never mattered how perfect things could be but how perfect I could be. And perfection is only two things boiled together, truth and gratefulness.

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