When darkness falls, and retrograde sets in, in the mire of your mind it has to be you who wins. Doubt can appear as if it was an all knowing lawyers, making a detail case against you. I have always been one to worry, even about the most unrealistic things. In my younger years, I spilt myself in two and reassured myself, anything you worry about won’t come true. I thought this because if I thought of it first, life couldn’t do it, it would have to think of something else.
So here I am, a few more hours to morning, in the dark trenches. Fire explodes from cannons and gun. These are the final moments, before a victory or defeat when you wonder if the war was worth it. Did you do the right thing? Everything you faced with confidence, are you still confident? Are you still proud? And was it pride that led you here? Or was it really your calling? Will peace follow or is this a product of an unfulfilled imagination? The thoughts stack up. The pressure rises.
And then, in a moment, you see it, and your doubt ceases like Jesus calming a stormy sea. You see your best friend falling in love. You see your sister and her beautiful child playing on a playground last summer, you see your parents resting after working long hours and then you see the home they deserve. A home where they feel safe, and are free to express themselves, a home where they don’t have to worry about intruders terrorizing their peace of mind.
Because in this moment, you know it was never about you or what you wanted. This is about them, it always was and always will be. This is about what you believe in, and it matters. It matters more than any doubt or fear, and tips the scale in your favor every time.
There are evil things in this world who fight without cause, they only value destruction. Those who fight for evil have no bravery, bravery has it’s base in love and goodness. So to challenge even the most vile of villains, would put you in the winning hand. It wasn’t the stone that defeated goliath, but the energy exuding from David that took down the giant.
Bilbo Baggins, in the Hobbit, watching his friend taking on an Orc, about to be beheaded, ran forward killing an Orc. His motivation was protecting his friend, which I believe is why he was successful. His friend was unsuccessful because his motivation was revenge.
Perhaps it is our reasons for doing something that determines wether we are successful or fail. Whether the odds or stacked against or for us, we can always trust that bravery and kinship is what will lead us to where we belong.
And this, this is who you are.