La vie en rose, is a song that uplifted many spirits in a trying time. World War Two had left the world bleak and lifeless. Then came Edith Piaf, with her voice and a melody to share a message of romance. It is a song about the richness of delicate emotion and the triumph of love. The title translates into “life in pink”, closely related to the term, “seeing life through Rose colored glasses.” Whatever the world conspires, we can always see life in pink, and we can always add something to humanity. Something everyone else can enjoy as well.
At the bottom of the ocean, in the middle of the sea, I found a love like sunken treasure, waiting there for me. I sunk slowly, watching the world busy above me. I watched all the colors of life as the sun shown through the glassy surface. Bubbles from my lips float to the top and the sun begins to dim, everything is getting cold. There is nothing more to see here beneath the surface, or at least not that you could see. Here water is black and dreams are the only way you can feel alive. As I sink, I see there are creatures who thrive in darkness, who are their own light. Some are pink, some are electric with many colors, some are bright blue. Now I sink deeper within this great mystery, in complete darkness, onto the ocean floor. My back leans up against something hard, and pointy. My dreams are interrupted as I grab it. From the sludge, I grab something golden and bright. Something that was meant for me. The golden bright heart melts into my skin, enters my veins and lights me up like the other creatures of the dark depths. Weightless, I wave them all goodbye as I am brought back up to the surface and returned to the sun.
How many of you think of God as a white old man? Sorry to break it to you, but God is not man like you and me. God is colors. And he isn’t always angry. Maybe with the wicked, I’ve read the verse, but overall he’s the greatest deity there could be. God is gentle, kind and merciful. We can’t even comprehend a love like Gods.
I wanted to talk about this because as I live my life there are lots of white angry men popping up from time to time, trying to tear me down. Why? I have no idea. I’m just living my life and I haven’t even done half of what I’m planning, and I’m getting complaints. Even family members are stepping up and joining the hate parade.
I watched The Greatest Showman tonight, and in this movies angry white men boycotted the circus, because they didn’t like unique people being out in the light of day. Their hate was putrid as they spewed venom, and I just thought, I see people behaving like this in 2019. I see people behaving like this unapologetically because their hate is so strong, which tells me they have fear. This also tells me these men do not read, because a person who reads understands other people’s stories and struggles and cultivates a deep respect for the differences in humanity. But these men don’t care. They never pay mind to the fact they could have been born into a different family, that by the grace of God they were born healthy, and so on. The biggest racist could have been born a color he hates, then what would he have done?
I just wanted to write this because this is not how God sees people. With the majority of white men being in powerful positions, I never want anyone to think 1. this is how God looks and 2. this is how God behaves. God created everyone. God loves everyone, and don’t tell me he doesn’t, because everyone alive today is breathing, even the people who don’t like him. Most of them are enjoying their lives and he does not destroy them. God is goodness, mercy and gentle in a way we can’t comprehend. He is like the sweetest river on perfect day. God lives in all of us from the beginning. It’s Jesus who made a way for us to go back home where we belong. I don’t want to bore anyone with faith, but that is mine and I think it’s worth having.
Standing on a stage, the lights are bright as they’re cast out on me. Everybody’s watching, waiting for the show to begin. For years I have played this part, eager to hear the crowd go roaring. But tonight is different in my bones. I can see the faces in the front row, and the outlines of people behind them. As the music quiets and it’s my turn to speak words that are never my own, I go silent. Everyone is looking at me and I am looking at them. I have nothing left to say. The words the writer gave me, have all dried up and I no longer can use them to protect me. The crowd laughs but then quickly becomes angry. They shout and scream and bleed their true colors with the ugliness in their voices. There isn’t much room to escape, no where for me to run. Untangled, I rip off all my strings and try to find a way to distract everyone. I need to find a way out. Then I remember the chandelier. I remember if I hold on tight to the rope as I cut it down, it could lift me up and I could break through the glass ceiling. So I do. I smash the chandelier and escape.
Writing ruined my life. It broke my bones, bled me dry and turned my body to ashes. When I first realized this, I wanted to deny it. Something good was coming from my fingertips but my life was falling down around me- how can that be? After some time though, my ashes dug deep into the earth and found diamonds, rubies and sapphires to make new bones with. Every inch of the earth came weaving its way to make a new body, infused with one of the greatest mysteries. Now I know what happened, and I understand. To be honest, if you’re thinking of becoming a writer and nothing drastic has changed around you, I would be concerned. The inner reality shapes the outer reality, so when you get involved with writing, which has more to do with the inside, than the outside, you can expect some major changes. For example, writing is a true mirror. When I started writing, as someone who buries their feelings, my truth began to become unearthed. Relationships, friendships, jobs, everything I ever knew was put into question because now I found a way to tell my truth, and my truth was juxtapose to how I was living my life and what I was letting in. You would be surprised as to what your subconscious picks up on. So if you are like me, and crave truth and beauty, and don’t mind suffering a little in the name of love, I urge you to pick up a pen and write, you won’t be the same when the pen is put down.
The other side of the river, a.k.a, the other side of your fears. Fears can be so strong. They can seep into your bones and make you dizzy, nauseous and unreasonably angry. The only way to destroy them, is to face them. Avoiding your fears will only make them grow larger, and it will stress you out even more. You will be so much happier if you get into the habit of facing your fears and your life’s work on a regular basis. I can tell you for a fact rest is important, but there is no rest without work. I don’t like to say work though- I like to say actions or responsibilities.
Rivers can be dangerous. They can be deep and freezing. They can also be shallow and warm. There are hundred of different ways a river could be, all that matters is you cross it. No ands, ifs or buts. Think of it this way, to get over a river there are many, many happy helpful ways to do so. You won’t always be swimming for your life in the pouring rain in the middle of winter. Sometimes, it can be summer and a nice walk over a bridge or a lovely little boat, there are ways to travel across a river and most of the time, it isn’t painful or dread-filled. Fear is the biggest liar alive and avoidance is a horrible mold that grows in your mind while you wait for “the right time”. Just do it. Your body will thank you for it, I promise.
I love what the moon is doing tonight. Brightly, it shines giving the entire sky a deep cobalt blue color. Stars shine brightly between the skeleton branches of the trees and I am distracted from my cold/allergies through my apartment window. I love these views. I have been around them my whole life. But now I am ready for a change. Part of why I love the outdoors so much is because I feel communicative with a force greater then myself. However I think I have over-absorbed this method of connecting to who I call God and am ready for a higher version of being divinely inspired- which is involving myself in other people’s lives. I have been a little but of a hermit these past couple years. I worked- a lot yet still had trouble wrapping my head around money management (if this is you, do not be embarrassed! You can’t be good at everything and there are professionals ready to help make your life 10000x easier.) and I swam in the sea- a lot. Like if someone could be in the ocean more than reasonably, that’s me 100%. I was always afraid I wasn’t being grateful enough for this beautiful little seaside town. Now I understand I am more than grateful- but there was something missing. This past summer was cathartic to say the least. I worked through a lot of stuff I had been holding inside, left a church I had gone to my whole life and started branching out. This past summer was the first time I felt like a person because I was going after what I believed in and that hopefully will benefit millions of people one day. Especially women. But men too. I look back and think how much I was struggling but it was also beautiful at the same time. It also kinda makes me sad no one will ever see that moment in my life up close. But isolation has to end sooner or later. I knew I needed time to myself because I grew up around tons of people all the time and they always had something to say about something. I never thought for myself, I let other people do it for me. My gut was pulling me away from somethings and people and I had to listen. I realized I was branded from a young age. Here’s the thing about being beautiful, which I am, that’s not cocky to say, it’s the truth- people expect things from you. They place you into a box and thats it. If you are beautiful people might instantly like you- even jealous people because you’re attractive to their eyes. However, if you do not partake in the way they think you should be, people get rubbed the wrong way. For instance, I was never “the mean girl”, “popular” or “boy crazy”. I was, and still am the weird girl and there is so much freedom in that, except if your pretty because people think if you’re pretty you’re suppose to be normal, on top of the world, mean and have lots of relationships. Once they figure out you’re your own breed, things get awkward. Oh and the jealousy of being beautiful and being “pure” in the sense that you are true to yourself and values is f*cking torture. So many people spread rumors my entire life trying to knock me down. I kind of got the hint I needed to fly solo if I wanted peace but as I get older, and I have more choices in who I spend my time with, I realize not everyone is shallow and jealous, thank God. I honestly feel bad for people who hate me because 10 times out of 10, I have thought about how great they are. Anyways, I realized I am more inspired by people than outdoors, although I do love outdoors so much. Which makes sense because God lives in us more brightly than he does the earth. I have respect for all cultures, religions, and faiths and I just hope my life can reflect that, and as my isolation officially ends, I hope I meet thousands of people on my journey. This was a very random blog post, but I hope you enjoyed it.